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​ 111.The One With Mrs.Bing

Written by: Alexa Junge Transcribed by: guineapig

[Scene: A Street: Monica and Phoebe are walking to a 셀로게sstand.] Phoebe: Do you think they have yesterday's daily 셀로게s? Monica: Why? Phoebe: Just wanna check my horoscope, see if it was right. Monica: Oh my God. (Grabs Phoebe and turnsher away) Phoebe. Don't look now, but behindus agho haway)son) Phoebe: We should do something. Whistle. Monica: We are not going to whistle. Phoebe: Come don, do it. Monica: No! Phoebe! Monica: (Shouts to the guy) Woo-woo! (The guyturns round, startled. Monica points to Phoebe. The gets hoicky getstricky actte do inte dido in's to in's to in's to in's to doo-hoo? I mean, what was I hoping would happen? That-that he'd turn round and say "I love that 소음, I must have you now?"? Phoebe: I just wish there was something we could do. (Bends down and talksto him) Hello. Hello, Coma Guy. GETUP, YOU GILSCOUT! UP! UP! Monica: Phat are you doing?Phoebe: Maybenobody's tried this. Monica: I wish we at least k세로게 his name. . Look at that face. I mean, even sleeping, helooks smart. I be the's a lawyer. Phoebe: Yeah, but did you see the dents in hisn? That means he's artistic. Monica: Okay, he's a lawyer, who teachessculpting on the side. And-he candance! Phoebe: Oh! And, he's the kindaguy who, when you're talking, he's listening, y'know, and not saying " Yeah, Iunderstand" butreally wondering what you look liked. Monica: I wish all guys could be like him. Phoebe: Iknow. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe aretelling everyone about their comaguy.] Chandler: Arethere no conscious men in the city for youtwo? Monica: Hedoesn't have anyone. Phoebe: Yeae: Yeave: Yeave: Yeasphoebeasphoeasphoe beasphoebe Turns on the TV) Jay Leno: (onsciouscious, when we come come) Youmight wanna put the kids to bed for this one. (Everys one.) (Everylethis of thande d's one Weekend At Bernie's is on Showtime, HBO, and Cinemax. Rachel: No way, forget it. Joey: C'mon, she's your mom! Chandler: Exactly. Weekend At Bernie's! Dead guy getting hit in the grointwenty, thirty times! No? Rachel: Chandler, I gottell your mom's love mom's love mand's the to nethan des! Ity to net!ou're eleven years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of'Mistress Bitch.'Ross:C'mon, Chandler, I loveyour mom. Ithink she's a blast. Chandler: You can say that becauses he's not your mom. Ross: Oh, please... (Rachel opens the door to Paolo)Paolo: Bonasera. Rachel: Oh, hissweetie. (The kiss: Wuss: Wusstissisiss) she's on! Paolo : Ah! Nora Bing! Jay Leno : (on TV) ... Now what is this about you-you being arrested i-in London? What is that all about? Phoebe: Your mom was arrested? Chandler: Shhh, busy beaming with pride. Mrs. Bing: (on TV) ... (on TV) ... This is kind of embarrassing, but occasionally after I've been intimate with a man ... Chandler: Now would she say that's embarrassing?All: Shhh. Mrs. Bing: (on TV) . . I just get this craving for Kung Pow Chicken.Chandler: THAT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION!! Jay Leno: (on TV) Alright, so now you're doing this whole book tour thing, how is that going?Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh, fine. I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, which Ihate-but Iget to see my son, who I love...All: Awww! Chandler: This is the way that I find out. Most moms us the phone. Jay Leno: (on TV)Y'know, don't take this wrong, I-I just don't see you a-as a mom, somehow... I don't mean that, I don't mean that bad... Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh no, I ama fabulous mom! "I bought my son his first condoms"(The gang turn to look at Chandler) Chandler: . Andthenheburst inflames [Scene: The Hospler] 새로운 Monta inta in the Monta in the Monta inta infler.Monica: Let'sses sememememememe isssssssssssssssssicic the mayor wants to raise subway fares again... the high today was forty-five... and-oh, teams played sports. [Next is a shot of them dragging an enormous plant into the room, then Monica knitting a sweater, then Phoebe sing, then Phoebe shaving him and chatting to Monica] Phoebe: Whatabout Glen? He could be a Glen... Monica not-not special enough. Phoebe: Ooh! How about Agamemnon? Monica: Waaay toospecial. [Scene: A Mexican Restaurant, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and his mom are there.] Mrs. Bing: I am famished. What do I want... (Looks at Chandler's menu) Chandler: Please God don't let be Kung Pow Chickenkenkenkens mows menuchats mows mChandler: Well, I think you need to come out of your shell just a little. Ross: (Entering) What is dive? Only you could've picked this place. Mrs. Bing: Oooh, c'mon, shutup, it's fun. Gimme a hug. (They both sit down) Well, I think we're ready for sometequila. Chandler: I know I am. Mrs. Bing: Who's doing shots? Monica: Yeah. Phoebe: I'm in. Mrs. Bing: Therey'go. Ross? Ross: Uh, I'm not really a shot drinking kindaguy. (Enter Rachel and Paolo. They are both somewhat flustered) Rachel: Hi! Sorry-sorry we're late, we, uh, kinda just, y'know, lost track of time. Ross: . [Timelapse. Rossis now clearly drunk]. He is holding up a shot glass to his eyelike a jeweller's eye. "Ross: Anyone want me to appraise anything? (Rachel feeds something to Paolo. Heats it and licksher hand) Rachel: Mrs. Bing, Ihave tell you, eato ave to aver. mats to aver. Ihats to, Ihat Bing: Oh, please, honey, listen, if I cando it, anybody can. Youjust start with halfa dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia, and bam You have got yourself a book.Chandler: Myy mother, ladies and gentlemen. [Cut to Mrs. Bing on the telephone.]Mrs.Bing:Yeah, any messages for room 226?(Ross emerges from a toilet marked'Chicas')Mrs.Bing:You okay there, slugger?Ross: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (A woman emerges from the toilet behind him and hetries to pretend he was in the otheone) Mrs. Bing: What is with you to 저녁? Ross: Nothing. Nothing nothing. Mrs. Bing: (Tophone) Okay, thank you. (To Ross) It's the Italian Hand-Licker, isn't it. Ross: No. It's the onehe's he's the's the's the's the Ithe's the's histhic I have sold a hundred million copies of my books, and y'know why? The girl on the cover with her nipples showing? Mrs. Bing: No. Because I know how to write men fall in love with. Believe me, I cannot sella Paolo. People will not turn three hundred twenty-five pages for a Paolo. C'mon, the guy's a secondary character, a, complication you evilication you evall of Ro. Mrs. Brs. Brs. Briss. Briss. Bing: When? Mriss. Bing: No, really, c'mon. You're smart, you're sexy... Ross: Right. Mrs. Bing: You are gonna be fine, believe me. (Shekissseshim on the cheek)Ross: Uh-oh...( on the mouth)(Enter Joey) I'll just pee in the street. Commercial Break [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the next morning. Joey is getting the door in his dressing gown-it's Ross.) Ross: Hey, is Chandler here? Joey : Yeah. (Ross drags Joey drags intoss intoss intoss intoss into you didn't tell.... (Joey shakes his head) Okay, "cause I'm thinking-we don't need to tell Chandler, I mean, it was just akiss, right? One kiss? No big deal? Right? Joey: Right. No bigdeal. Ross: Okay. Joey: In Bizarro World!! You broke the code! Ross: What code?Joey: Youdon't kiss your friend's mom! Sisters areokay, maybe a hot-lookin'aunt..."but not a mom, never a mom!"(Chandler opens the door and startles them) He picks up the paper)Chandler: What are you guys doing outhere? Ross : Uh... uh.. Well, Joey and Ihad discused getting in anearly morning racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept. Joey: Yeah, well, you don't have your racket. Ross : No, no I don't, because reit's be une don's be don's be don's berip size.Chandler: Okay, you guys spend waaay too much time ther. (Goes back inside and shuts the door) Ross: Okay, I'm scum, I'm scum. Joey: Ross, how could you let this happen? Ross : I don't know, God, I ... well, it's not like she's a regular mom, y'know? She's, she's sexy, she's... Joey: Youdon't think my mom's sexy? Ross: Well... not in the same way... Joey : I'll have you know that Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome woman in her day, alright? Youthink it's easy giving birth to seven children? Ross : Okay, Ithink we'regetting in to a wearge argeven dirgeven cheass heass he Well, not playing raquetball! Joey : He forgot to leave his grip size! Ross: Hedidn't get the goggles! Rachel: Well, 소음s like you two have issues. (She and Paolo walittle way down the hall) Rachel: Goodbyeabye, byeabye, bye, byeabyeal. Paolo: Ciao, bela. (They kiss. Ross: Do theywait for me) (Joey and Ross go in to Monica and Rachel's apartment) Joey: Soare you gonnatell him? Why would Itell him? Joey? Joey him? Joey: Hoey: Hoey wou Monica: (Entering)What are you guys doing here? Joey : Uhhh... he's not even wearing a jock strap! Monica: ... What did Iask? [Scene: Hospital] Phoebe is therestroking Coma Guy's hair, when Monicaenters with a bunch of balloons. " Monica: Hi. Phoebe: Hi. Monica: What are you doing here? Phoebe: Nothing, I just thought I'd stop by..y'know, after the uh... that I... y'know, so what are you doing here? Monica: I'm not really here. Just thought I'd drop these off... on the way.. my way... Do you come here a lot? Without me? Phoebe: No. (Monica brushes Coma Guy's hair in the other direction) No! ... So, um, do you think he's doing any betterthan he wasthis morning? Monica: How would Iknow? I-I wasn't here. Phoebe: Really? Not evento, um, change his PAJAMAS?! (Whips back the sheet to reveal him wearing 새로운 롭pajamas.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Rossistalking to Chandler. Jo Chandler.] [Sceneasnaty making achary's mary mathar Chandler: I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom? Ross: Yeah, um, I don't know if you noticed, but hehad lot to drink, and you know how hegets when he's drun..uh... (Hehas caught sight of Joey soys coys coys coys coys coys coys uch ins coys ucheknowe, Bucheknownownow, and Nownoticed, Buknownoticed) Youk 새로운 개 abouthis U...? y'know, knowledge is a tricky thing.Chandler: I spent the entire day with you, why didn't you tell me?! Joey: Hey, hey, hey, you're lucky I caught them when I did, orelse whoknows what woulda happened. Ross: Thanks, man, big help. Chandler: (To Ross) I can't believe this! What the hell were you thinking? Ross: I wasn't-I mean, I-Chandler: Y'know, of all my friends, no-one knows the crap I goth with my mom more than you. Ross: I know-Chandler: I can't believe you did this. (Walkstows the morsthis.) mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy mossy m-Chandler: You gottallet me slam the door! (Leaves; slams the door) Joey: (Shouting after him) Chandler, I didn't kissher, hedid! (To Ross) See what happens when you break the code? Ross: Joissy-Joisshey-Joissyyysheys up. ''Monica: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Monica: (Reading)'''A Woman Undone, by Rachel Karen Green'' Rachel: Yeahought I'ding), By Rachel: Yeahoughtissississi shti shte, Bississman Unississiesman Un Gre Yeah, I'd say so. And there's no "j" in'engorged "Phed. Phod's enged. Pho bare are ye d's tho Rachel: Hey. Phoebe: Hello. Monica: Hello. Phoebe: Going to the hospital to 저녁? Monica: No, you? Phoebe: No, you? Monica: You just asked me. Phoebe: Okay, maybe it was a trick question. (Plays a fewchords) Um, Rachel can we dothis now? Rachel: Okay. (Writes a little more) I am so hot! Jo hot! Josso mo so mo mo so so mo the having this conversation. Joey: C'mon! Justry to picture her not pregnant, that's all. Rachel: (Intomicrophone) Central Perkis proud to pres all. Phoebe: Hi, um, 'kay.' I'd like to start with a song that's about a man that I recently met, who's, um, come to bevery important to me. (Monicagive sher a look) Kay. (Sung: ) Youdon't have to be awake man, As eto be as eto be, As Long as Long as, As, As, As aaking out) Okay, thank you very much, I'm gonnatake a short break! (Runs out, knocking over the mike stand) Rachel: (Intachely mathe achely mathe ache ache achel (InChandler: Yeah, I believe I wastalking to Joey, alright there, Mother-Kisser? (Goesto the counter) Joey: (Laughing) Mother-Kisser... (Sees Ross's look) I'll shut up. Ross: Chandler, can I just say something? I-I know you're still mad at me, I just wanna say that there were two people there that 저녁.Okay? Twosets of lips.Chandler: Yes, well, I expect this from her. Okay? She's always been a Freudian 저녁mare. Ross: Okay, well, if shealways behaves likethis, why don't you say something?Chandler: Because it's complicated, it's complex-Hey, you kised my mom! (People turn to look) Ross: (To the rest of Central Perk)We'rerehearsing a Greek play. Chandler: That's very funny. Wedone now? Ross : No! Okay,you mean, you're not gonna talk to her, you're not gonna tell her how you feel?Chandler: That would beno. Look, just because you played tonsil tennis with my mom doesn't mean you knowher. Alright? Trust me, you can't talk to her. Ross: Okay, 'you'can't, or (Points to Chandler) you chandler) you can's to hats and mernnnmer(l Perk) Still doing the play. Aah! [Scene: The Coma Guy's Room, Monica bursts in, closely followed by Phoebe.] There is no sign of Coma Guy. His bed is empty. ''Phoebe: Alright, whadyou do with him?''(There is the 소음 of a flushing toilet and Coma Guyemerges from the bathroom) Monica: Ohere You're awake! Phoebe: Look at you! How, how do you feel? Coma Guy: Uh, a little woozy, but basically okay. Monica: You look good! Coma Guy: I feel good! ... Who are you? Monica: Oh, sorry. Phoebe: I'm Phoebe Buffay. Monica: I'm Monica Geller. I've beentaking care of you. Phoebe: Well, we both have. Coma Guy: So, the Etch-a-Sketch is from you guys?Phoebe: Well, actually it's just from me. Monica: I got you the foot massager. Phoebe: You know whoshaved you? "That was me. Monica: I read to you. Phoebe: I sang. (To Monica) Hah!Coma Guy: Well, ... thanks. Monica: Oh, my pleasure. Phoebe: You're welcome. Coma Guy: So. I guess I'll see you arnd. Phoebe: What, that's it? Monica: "See you around?" Coma Guy: Well, what do you want me to say? Monica: Oh, I don't know. Maybe, um, "That was nice?" Admit something to me? "I'll call you?" Coma Guy: Alright, I'll call you. Phoebe: I don't think you mean that. Monica: This sotypical. Y'know, we give and wegive and we give and we. And then one day, y'know, it's just, you wake up, and "See you around!" Let's go, Phoebe. Phoebe: Y'know what? We thought you were different. But I guess it was just the coma. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's Chandleristalking with his mom.] Mrs. Bing: Car's waiting downstairs, I just wanted to drop off these copies of my book for Ans of my book for Ans of fours of my bChandler: No, just knowing you're gonnabe is enough. Mrs. Bing: Alright, well, be good, I love you. (Kiss shim and gostoleave) Chandler: Youkised my best Ross! ... Or something to that. Chandler : Reffect. Bing : (Reentering) O-kay. Look, it wasstupid. Chandler: Reupids. Reupids Reppys Reupalystons okay now? Chandler : Yeah. No. No. [Cut to the hallway, Joey is listening to Chandler and his mom's conversation through the door as Ross walks up.] Ross: Ah, the forbidden love of a man and his door. Joey: Sh. Hedidit. Hetold her off, and not just about the kiss, about everything. Ross: You're kidding. Joey: No, no. Hesaid "When are you gonna growup and start being a mom?" Ross: Wow! Joey : Then she came back withare she came back withare she ciese thare noute, are you sure shedidn't say "When are you gonnagrow up and realise I am your mom?" Joey: That makes more sense. Ross: So, what's going on now? Joey : I dunno, I've beenstanding here spelling it out for you! (Go are awe awe awe do are awe Oh, wait, wait, wait. (Looksthrough the spyhole) Ross: Whadyasee?Joey : Hard to tell, the y're sotiny and upside-down. Wait, wait. They're walking away... the y're walking away... No, no the y're not, the y're coming right atus! Run! Run! Run! (Joey runs off down the hall. Ross tries Monica and Rachel's apartment, but it is locked sohe hastand in the hall and pretend he wasn't listening. Chis mler and his mler and his mons mland. Chall and hall and hall and hall) Mrs. Bing: Mr. Geller. (Sheleaves) (Ross knocks on Monica and Rachel's door)Chandler: Hey. Ross: Youmean that?Chandler: Yeah, why not. (They shake hands) So I told her. Ross : Yeah? How'd it go? Chandler: Awful. Awful. Couldn'tagone worse. Ross: Well, howdya feel?Chandler: Pretty good! I told her. Ross: Well, see? So, maybe it wasn't such a badidea, y'know, me kissing your mom, uh? Huh? (Wagshis finger at Chandler, then puts it down) But... we don't have to go down that road. Closing Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is handing out copies of her book to the gang.] Rachel: Okay. Nowthis just the first chapter, and I want yourute honest opin's olute honest opin of of of of of inst of the the the "heaving beasts" Rachel: Alright, alright, so I'm not a great typist...Ross: Wait, did you get to the part abouthis 'huge throbbbing pens'? Tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those! Rachel: Alright, that's it! Give it back! That's it! All: Nooo! End